HOME TOUR

I’m at the end of my 25th week of pregnancy, 6 months pregnant. I’ve been terrible about “bump” pictures this pregnancy. I know that 3rd babies often get overlooked but I’m thankful, so thankful, for my friend and talented photographer Ruthie who captured these “bump” times with our sweet little tribe. If you’re looking for sweet family captures, she’s your gal, Ruth Eileen Photography.

You may remember me posting those early pictures all those weeks ago, at the hospital and following our embryo transfer. That feels like ages ago and I was so certain it wasn’t going to work. Now we’re in the school routine, holiday preparations and birthday party planning in full gear. We have a list about a mile long to get through before this sweet baby (hopefully) comes and my belly is getting bigger by the day. Transparent is something I prefer to be, small talk not my thing, so this whole pregnancy through, whether my “maybe” baby came or it ended in some tears I wanted to share it. Not for accolades, comments, publicity but because life is so very uncertain and we need each other. And there is lovely in the needing. We are meant to carry each other’s burdens, to walk hard roads with community. And from day 1, this little life mattered to me and I hoped no matter the outcome, someone out there might glean some encouragement from an open heart. Infertility sucks. Miscarriage is hard. Pregnancy is daunting. Raising little ones takes a tribe.

And I think because this is my 3rd pregnancy to get to this point and I have two little boys at home, everyone is naturally curious if I’m just one of those people who produces an army of boys. So very many of you have reached out and asked what the heck we’re having.

My mom is not a wee bit pleased with our little question mark baby. We had our 19 week ultrasound several weeks back with the same amazing team that walked us through hard days when we found out about Cade’s Fibular Hemimelia. Dr. Dunn was the doctor who told me she “didn’t think she saw legs” and “would be doing us a disservice if she didn’t share that her professional opinion was something wasn’t quite right.” Devastating. Earth Shattering. But that team went on to be our cheerleaders, hand-holders, tear-sharers. Community.

So crack me up, they saw my name on the ultrasound schedule and shifted their schedules around to make sure they saw us. Our team! So there we sat, everything looked great but I’d be lying if I said I was ok. I have PTSD on ultrasound days. They are scary for me because I know that life can change in an instant and that uncertainty makes me nervous. I believe in a God who will carry me, I feel the comfort faith brings but I’m nervous every single time. All that aside, Melody said towards the end of the scan said, “so I can tell what it is, do you want to know.” My husband yelled out, “Yes! I want to know” AND I yelled out simultaneously, “NO!!! I’m not ready.” Poor Melody, she just started laughing. As if begging for more time I said, “write it in an envelope.” My husband swore I wouldn’t make it to the parking lot without tearing into it.

It’s a full 6 weeks later and I haven’t peaked. Not once. Not even tempted to which I NEVER expected. Hello it’s Jackie here. Queen of the mood board app, dozens of “get it done” lists and general type-A personality. But I came right home and hid that silly envelope because I knew my husband would peak if he found it. Here’s the thing, everything about this pregnancy is throwing me off. When I was pregnant with Kai I wanted a girl and was severely disappointed when he was very clearly a boy. And I hated that feeling. Here’s the girl who thought she’d only have girls, then struggled to have any babies at all, needing IVF to make it happen who then happened to have the audacity to still have a gender preference? This desire for a particular gender feels ungrateful to me, it’s an emotion I’m battling because being disappointed about a baby drives me nuts.

Both my OB and Reproductive Endocrinologist said I might want to consider finding out if I think I might be the least bit disappointed because they’ve seen ladies so sad right after labor and thought processing time might have helped. Well I had processing time with Kai and it just made me sad longer. I’m expecting this baby to be a boy, I’m only thinking boy names, boy nursery, boy everything. I call it a “he” and am getting my heart around that. And I think when baby comes out, seeing his face may help my heart more than time to dwell on a word, “boy” or “girl”. So why not open that envelope I hid and find out for sure? Because I’m not ready for it to be official. Three babies is a lot. I’m getting tired and although we have one more frozen embryo left from IVF, I really thought we’d probably end up having 3 children. So to officially know that this may be the end and it may end in all boys, gosh I’m just not ready for that.

And here’s the thing. I ached for years to have babies. I miscarried. I cried. I got pricked and poked and saw doctors and had tests to be told, “well you look great, I’m not sure why it isn’t happening.” Each month became an emotional battle, faith-trying and downright no fun. There was lovely in those hard days as I learned to rely on a big God, as I realized my own inability to make anything in life happen.

Now I get to love on two sweet little boys and that should be enough. But if I was acknowledging my humanity, my heart desires, it’d be to have a baby girl.

I want to know what that is like and right now it kinda feels like I am missing out on something. I had a sweet friend on Instagram remind me that having a baby girl isn’t the only way to have a baby girl and that as much as my heart ached to have a girl, there was a girl out there aching for a mother. I needed to hear that. I may get to that point someday of opening my heart to adoption but right now we are committed to giving each embryo a shot at life, knowing we have no control over whether it turns into a successful pregnancy and a new little one joins our family. Turns out there’s something beautiful about not knowing our stories before they happen. Adoption, final embryo or just the closing of a chapter on motherhood and embracing boyhood, who knows what will happen. But I’m kinda ok with it.

So I’m reveling in each kick, trying to slow down time, enjoy this little baby inside for exactly who he or she is. I’m embracing the uncertainty and finding a whole lot of lovely with arms and a heart wide open. I neeeeever thought I’d be ok with a surprise but there’s a whole lot in life that we’ve walked through that I didn’t think I’d be ok with.

Turns out, there’s a whole lot of lovely in life when you look for it with intention and vulnerability.

So momma’s if you’re in that waiting spot, hoping for a little one of your own, waiting for a spouse, processing a diagnosis or just simply utterly exhausted for the caring about a person know that there is a big God who cares about each tear, sees our humanity with grace. May we be grace-filled towards each other, gentle and present. Be community and be kind. Choose to look for lovely even through the tears and this waiting place may just be the place that transforms your heart.