HOME TOUR

Well hello there expectations. I didn’t realize I had you for February break since we were lazy bums and forgot to plan anything. A happy coincidence or was that all part of the plan from the beginning because the good Lord knew almost all of us would be sick? I’m a firm believer there’s a bigger plan at play, above all these mundane moments and it was a good thing we didn’t book a lovely vacation to the snow or the beach. But what I was most surprised by, I suppose, was how bummed I felt by weeks end. I had wanted to do fun things with my boys, wanted to make it a great week for them and it just didn’t feel like a very good week.

Cade’s kindergarten schedule leaves little time for spontaneity anymore. Instead of adventure there was snot, and lots of it. Whiny boys, cranky baby girl. Full on kids taking mid day naps (which NEVER happens anymore). They were sick. And the one outing we actually planned as a family with Matt leaving work early during his busy week, I forgot to run by the babysitter and she couldn’t stay with the baby so I missed it completely. I was left feeling bummed and adding it to the reasons I was a poor excuse for a mom.

I know this is ridiculous because I didn’t infect them, didn’t want them to be sick all week long, logically I know this. But I felt like I hadn’t lived up to my own expectations I had placed on myself for their week long break from school especially since I’m a freakin’ stay at home mom and felt like I should be able to pull this off.

There were no train rides to the city, time at the aquarium, memory-making moments like that. There were a few snuggles on the couch but when I saw we were going no where, I retreated to work land and tried to get things accomplished while they played in their pjs all day and Stephanie, our dear baby wrangler, helped me reign in the snot. We had marathon movie days and lots of train tracks everywhere. Little people feeling lousy while their momma felt equally so but in an entirely different way.

Where do these expectations come from? Why am I tying up my worth in how I mother my boys on their weeks off from school? I don’t magically turn into supermomma who can whisk us all away on amazing adventures. Aubrey naps, Matt works and sick days happen. I suppose I had let comparison sneak in. The nature of this “job” is you are on social media, encountering families from all around the world and going along with them on their adventures. I saw healthy kiddos, smiling mommas and I wanted to be one. Comparison really is the thief of joy because I lost mine this week and I want it back.

There is no perfect mom. There are no perfect weeks. You can’t be it all, do it all and photograph it all. We all know this but it bears repeating so that if you too are caught in a cycle of feeling discontent because something you expected to work just didn’t, you can use this friendly reminder from an imperfect momma to stop the negative self-talk right from the onset.

Don’t we all have moments like this where we just don’t feel like the best versions of ourselves? Mainly because we immediately get the yardstick out and starting calculating all the ways we are falling behind. I had to give myself a “what for” and I’m going to give you one too, momma heart. Your worth goes far beyond what you DO. Far beyond what you FEEL like you should do. And far beyond what you are capable of. So right here, right now I want to breath that truth into your heart. You are more than what you expect you should be able to do. And the actually “living up” to that arbitrary standard we set for ourselves has no baring, absolute none on our actual worth, who the God of the great big universe says we are. So rest dear momma in your PJs without all the striving and lists and plans. You are valuable and you have a purpose to play even in a boring, no-good-dirty-bad-week of boggers and kleenex shreds everywhere (thank you Aubrey for that delight).

These beautiful pictures from Aubrey’s party were taken by my sweet friend, Ruthie of Ruth Eileen Photography and don’t look at all like how we felt this last week but they were our last family pictures together and a reminder to me that there is good days and harder days and somehow the lovely is there in it all.