HOME TOUR

It’s been months since I’ve written anything here on my sweet corner of this hard world. I miss it. I’ve been walking a tightrope of hope and frustration and disappointment. I’m sick and tired of it all. I had a big dream. I let it out of my heart and I’ve been dragging our family towards it for months now. As if that hasn’t been hard enough, we got it, literally signed into reality and I am the one who had to stop the pursuit. I’m angry, disappointed and hurt. I’m fragile. Couple that with my favorite season of the year slipping through my fingers like sand returning to the tide and my soul has had enough. Honestly maybe its a good thing the leaves are already starting to change. Right now, every single thing feels complicated and exhausting and personal, very personal. I’ve had zero desire to be on Instagram. I’ve had zero desire to be creative. To share anything about a complicated life.  But we all walk through seasons of deep disappointment and rebottled dreams, so this is nothing new to any one of us. I wonder if I’m doing us all a disservice by only sharing the shiny parts of being human. Life friends is not easy for anyone despite what that voice in the back of your head tells you every now and then. So here it is, the raw, unfiltered, unlovely.

Here, even in the unlovely, I can feel God working on my heart. Calling me to trust. To have patience. To praise through the hard. I think the anger will fade and I will feel something else again. I certainly hope so because this place of tension feels so so tiring, bone tiring after an already stupid year. But after clawing my way through this life I’m well aware that it is in the hard that we find clarity, direction and eventually hope. So I’m persevering. I’m showing up for my quiet time reading. Running a lot and as far as I can go to worship music. Trying to redirect my anger to the One who can actually handle it. I’d welcome prayers.

I think sometimes when we have dreams we either try with all our might to accomplish them or we hide them away deep in our souls so they can’t possibly be hurt. When a dream comes crashing down it rattles us because we’re taught to be dreamers. Taught to believe they are possible and to pursue them. But getting close to a dream and then watching it flee is painful and makes me question if it would have been better, safer to keep it all bottled up inside? I’m not sure I know the answer at the moment. I kinda wish mine had stayed deep down in my heart because this whole experience has sucked. So I’m blue. And definitely not a tan blue because most of August has been cold and cloudy here in Boston. Salt in the friggin’ wound.

GARDEN WOES

And as if on cue, the cucumber beetles have killed the watermelon and cucumber, they carry bacteria wilt. They’re trying to take down the pumpkin but it is putting up a valiant fight and the zucchini is just a mess. I gave up staking it and am about to throw in my gardening hat. For whatever reason, I really just needed that cucumber to grow. Of all things. I staked it, I literally wrapped it fully in bug netting. You see it was the attempt and the failing that is just resonating a bit too close to home. If I will my heart to find the lovely here it’s the Dahlias and my old friend the reliable Zinnia currently starting their show. There is lovely in the mess of it all. I know there always is. Some seasons are just harder to see it in than others.

Life keeps rolling on. Aubrey starts Kindergarten in a week and I will for the first time in a decade have all three kiddos in school and a good part of the day to myself. I’m trying to figure out how to pivot from a dream and how I expected my autumn to go, to this open-ended, weird reality and the many emotions that go along with it. Do I get a job? Like an actual one where people pay you to do things? Or do I dive back in to trying to make something out of this corner of the universe? It’s all so up in the air it’s exhausting to think about. So I leave you with nothing new under the sun friends but a little bit about our summer strivings, disappointments and change. Inevitable change. The inevitable disappointments we wear through life. What is being human without them?