HOME TOUR
It’s been months since I’ve written anything here on my sweet corner of this hard world. I miss it. I’ve been walking a tightrope of hope and frustration and disappointment. I’m sick and tired of it all. I had a big dream. I let it out of my heart and I’ve been dragging our family towards it for months now. As if that hasn’t been hard enough, we got it, literally signed into reality and I am the one who had to stop the pursuit. I’m angry, disappointed and hurt. I’m fragile. Couple that with my favorite season of the year slipping through my fingers like sand returning to the tide and my soul has had enough. Honestly maybe its a good thing the leaves are already starting to change. Right now, every single thing feels complicated and exhausting and personal, very personal. I’ve had zero desire to be on Instagram. I’ve had zero desire to be creative. To share anything about a complicated life. But we all walk through seasons of deep disappointment and rebottled dreams, so this is nothing new to any one of us. I wonder if I’m doing us all a disservice by only sharing the shiny parts of being human. Life friends is not easy for anyone despite what that voice in the back of your head tells you every now and then. So here it is, the raw, unfiltered, unlovely.
Here, even in the unlovely, I can feel God working on my heart. Calling me to trust. To have patience. To praise through the hard. I think the anger will fade and I will feel something else again. I certainly hope so because this place of tension feels so so tiring, bone tiring after an already stupid year. But after clawing my way through this life I’m well aware that it is in the hard that we find clarity, direction and eventually hope. So I’m persevering. I’m showing up for my quiet time reading. Running a lot and as far as I can go to worship music. Trying to redirect my anger to the One who can actually handle it. I’d welcome prayers.
I think sometimes when we have dreams we either try with all our might to accomplish them or we hide them away deep in our souls so they can’t possibly be hurt. When a dream comes crashing down it rattles us because we’re taught to be dreamers. Taught to believe they are possible and to pursue them. But getting close to a dream and then watching it flee is painful and makes me question if it would have been better, safer to keep it all bottled up inside? I’m not sure I know the answer at the moment. I kinda wish mine had stayed deep down in my heart because this whole experience has sucked. So I’m blue. And definitely not a tan blue because most of August has been cold and cloudy here in Boston. Salt in the friggin’ wound.
GARDEN WOES
And as if on cue, the cucumber beetles have killed the watermelon and cucumber, they carry bacteria wilt. They’re trying to take down the pumpkin but it is putting up a valiant fight and the zucchini is just a mess. I gave up staking it and am about to throw in my gardening hat. For whatever reason, I really just needed that cucumber to grow. Of all things. I staked it, I literally wrapped it fully in bug netting. You see it was the attempt and the failing that is just resonating a bit too close to home. If I will my heart to find the lovely here it’s the Dahlias and my old friend the reliable Zinnia currently starting their show. There is lovely in the mess of it all. I know there always is. Some seasons are just harder to see it in than others.
Life keeps rolling on. Aubrey starts Kindergarten in a week and I will for the first time in a decade have all three kiddos in school and a good part of the day to myself. I’m trying to figure out how to pivot from a dream and how I expected my autumn to go, to this open-ended, weird reality and the many emotions that go along with it. Do I get a job? Like an actual one where people pay you to do things? Or do I dive back in to trying to make something out of this corner of the universe? It’s all so up in the air it’s exhausting to think about. So I leave you with nothing new under the sun friends but a little bit about our summer strivings, disappointments and change. Inevitable change. The inevitable disappointments we wear through life. What is being human without them?
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Jackie,
I have watched you now for so many years–probably the year you welcomed Aubrey. I knew your mother had passed and so I kept my eye on the new life and the life passing.
I could probably be your mother, age wise and I’ve enjoyed your shares through the years.
I have spent a career teaching people to read other people for communication at work. Because of this, I have a pretty good set of people-reading glasses. Besides being a beautiful soul, you are an optimistic harmony-loving part-time extrovert/introvert (who really likes a plan). You wrote a highly-personal post some years back about what you owe anyone with your life. I also teach assertiveness and I was quite impressed with your assertive tone. I could tell you would be someone who could hold their own. You might look and sound sweet and passive but I could tell your clarity about where you stood was not an act.
I can see Aubrey is high-energy and your first born is a lot like you.
Fast forward to now. I just read your post and although I can only imagine something rough happened, I would like to offer how I am a perfectionist-in recovery. I learned this about myself when during my master’s program, and working full-time and being a new mother, I learned I’d be receiving a B in a class. I about went sideways. I couldn’t deal with it all. I couldn’t accept anything other than an A.
That was a journey to uncover what about me made me feel the need to be and have perfection daily. I did so much unpacking of that issue and it led me to learn about the daily striving for perfectionism vs. excellence. Excellence is achievable–perfection is not; unless of course, you happen to be Simone Biles.
I’m not Simone Biles but I am a life long learner with healthy inner peace and fantastic blood pressure.
All this to say, I think of you a little as me with a Instagram account. I fell hard from perfection but it was necessary to bust out of the perfection pathway. I hope this is helpful and not offensive in anyway. I had wondered where you were and in my wise thinking, somehow knew something not great was up.
Take care of yourself.
So sorry Jackie. I have missed seeing you on Instagram so came to your blog. Praying God gives you clarity in this season. Hugs!
Thank you for sharing. One thing about grief is one must go through it, and not around it. Be kind to yourself and I wish you healing.
Oh, Jackie. I’ve been missing your posts and Finding Lovely, so I decided to check the blog. I’m so sorry to hear your dreams weren’t to be this summer/fall, but I have no doubt they will come. When our fourth and youngest child left for college in 2022, we decided to leave CA and move closer to all of them. We decided to look for land to build around Franklin, TN and decided to rent and take our time. We still haven’t found it. I’ve been angry and I’m ready to give up on that dream and create another. I thought that was how I was going to occupy the lonely spaces with my children gone from my daily life. With that said, I’ve always lit up and enjoyed the bits of lovely you show. Little twinkle moments when I see a new post or story. The kitchen and home addition, the sweet kiddos rooms, the garden and she shed, Christmas in your historic home….oh the ideas I’ve filed away in my head. Thank you, for sharing the not so lovely you are currently facing. I’ll be lifting you up in prayer. But, please don’t stop sharing the lovely when you feel inspired again.
Sweet Jackie,
You are being lifted up in prayer. I pray our LORD Jesus will continue to hold you close in His arms as He heals your kind heart. God is, and will forever be, faithful.
Love,
Randi
You’ve been on my mind and I’ve missed you, your beautiful spirit and your content immensely on Instagram, so like others, I found myself checking your blog as a way to find connection back to you.
Thank you for sharing my friend, please be kind to yourself and know we’re not here just for the lovely… We’re here for you, no matter what the may bring.
-A
We all go through life seasons of metaphorical cucumber beetles. Yes, I think it’s a disservice to share just the shiny parts of being human. Despite what Instagram wants us to believe, life is complicated, and, even, unlovely at times, but it’s the fiery trials that forge us. As much energy as we put into trying to avoid difficult circumstances, they are often the most transformative moments of our lives. When you started your parenting journey, you probably never imagined a life filled with appointments with surgeons, prosthetists, and physical therapists. All of that is probably the background and rhythm of your life now. (I’m saying that as a fellow mom of a child with a disability.) I can’t imagine how overwhelming it must have been to make a decision about surgery when Cade was diagnosed with fibular hemimelia, but sharing that journey has surely inspired hope in other parents facing similar decisions. Perhaps sharing has been healing for you, too. I’m rooting for you. And the pumpkins 🙂
Missing all of your beautiful posts Jackie and hoping and wishing the very best for you and your family.
I am so sad to see you so upset. I hope the 5 of you are alright, safe and healthy.
I know what disappointment looks like and it’s rarely easy, especially when it involves a dream.
My husband lost his job several years ago and then we lost our home. I’ve lived vicariously through you for several years daydreaming of how I’d decorate once I had a home again. Now the years have passed and my kids are grown and are leaving the nest; I never got to rebuild those dreams (physically) as we haven’t been able to buy another home, Those dreams of making the beautiful childhood home I imagined for my kids is gone. I try to focus on what I give them spiritually and emotionally.
Hang in there. Hold onto each other. It’s all we really have that counts.
I’ve missed you on instagram so I came to your blog to find this post. Praying your you in this season of lost dreams and hopes. May you find comfort and hope everyday in the small things. I pray that the transition from summer to fall and the start of school has been easy on your family as you adjust to this new season.
Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. In times of great disappointment, remember that God has bigger things in store for you. I hope your perspective is on the lessons not the loss. You are so talented and have so much to offer the world. Hope to see you back on Instagram soon. XO