HOME TOUR

Oh boy my friends. Personal post here. I am feeeeeeeling the lack of sunshine. April has been colder than March and has rained 10 out of the last 13 days. I know my joy is supposed to abound above all circumstances but I’ve upped my vit D just to get through until the sun comes out again. And it has had me doing some heart ponderings. Because I don’t feel like I’ve been my best self lately and I seriously doubt it’s just vitamin D and yucky New England weather. This feels like a heart problem. I’ve been more sensitive and bothered by the humans I encounter. I’ve been more on edge, less grace-filled. Less settled. Maybe a bit weary. Perhaps you’re feeling this way too with all that is happening in the world that is completely out of our control. Last weekend I sat on the couch all of Sunday with cramps and a case of the grumps while Matt took the kids to church, out to lunch after and went out with a friend in the evening just to make himself scarce.

If I’m being honest with myself, I hate that. I hate being tip-toed around but also was so so grateful for space. I’m hung on and touched out all week long. It’s motherhood. And I love it but we can love all kinds of things that aren’t easy. I am trying to be gentle with myself because I know we are all just human, doing the best we can and have bad weeks sometimes. Coming off winter and a dreary, awful, cold spring, I’m feeling completely unlovely, out of control and soul-depleted. I should be deep-diving into scripture and spending more time with the Lord but I’ve been reading the New York Times best seller, “Let Them” by Mel Robbins. I know this is a catchy phrase and immensely popular right now, supposed to help you maintain your sanity in a world of idiots making bad decisions but being only 3 chapters in, I’m feeling cynical. I like to be in control. Acknowledging how little control I actually have isn’t my favorite thing. And I also prefer to tell people when they’re making bad decisions. It feels mean not too, like you’re watching an accident about to happen but doing nothing to prevent it. I’m trying to withhold judgement until I get more into the follow-up phrase “let me” which I think will be the key for me. Have you read it?

I’m walking into this week knowing it is short, my kiddos have Good Friday off and I really need the hope of Easter. Today I forced myself out the door to church with the family even though I didn’t want to and Jesus met me when the worship band played “Jesus is Better” written by Austin Stone. Here’s a snip-it of the lyrics and boy did it speak to my heart, listen to the Shane & Shane version:

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all
Raise the anthem, our loudest praises ring
We crown Him Lord of all, oh
We crown Him Lord of all

In all my sorrows, Jesus is better
Make my heart believe
In every victory, Jesus is better
Make my heart believe

Than any comfort, Jesus is better
Make my heart believe
More than all riches, Jesus is better
Make my heart believe
And our souls declaring, Jesus is better
Make my heart believe
And our song eternal, Jesus is better, make my heart believe

Glory, glory, we have no other king
But Jesus Lord of all

For the grasper of control that I officially am, for my cynical heart, quick to be irritated by other’s bad decisions, this is exactly what I needed to sing today. In all my sorrows, Jesus is better, Make my heart believe.

I know church is a place you should be given the most amount of grace by the most conscious of people but boy do I feel completely misunderstood there sometimes. It’s certainly where you can practice steadfastness in this modern world. But it also is a place in the business of my days where I get to purposefully slow down and think about someone other than myself. And I need less of my self and more eyes raised up. In a few short days I’ll find myself in an MRI machine as I start down this intensive, every 6 months journey to be proactive about my health and do everything in my power to catch cancer early, if that is to be my story. With my family history and now that I am 40, my doctors have determined the best plan of care is to alternate between a mammogram and a breast MRI every 6 months. For the rest of my days. I feel like I’m staring Everest in the face.  How do I find lovely here in what feels like constant scrutiny to try and catch something awful that you’ll then need to gather the strength to battle? Frankly, what a needed reminder for me of how little control I actually have. Over people. Over my circumstances. Over the length of my days. In all my sorrows. In all my comforts. In every victory. Make my heart believe. I think we all look at pictures on a screen and think, “wow that person is living the life.” As a person who that is undoubtedly said about, I can assure you, everyone. has their thing. I wish hospitals were WAY less a part of my life story. In all my sorrows, Jesus is better, Make my heart believe. May you find lovely today even if it is hard, even if you’re waiting on the sun. Even if it looks like everyone has it better. Even if it is cold and dreary and you’re tired. There has got to be lovely here.